No Feelings
I often wonder what people think about us when they can see no emotions on
our faces. I wonder if they’re thinking, “Is this person cruel, unfeeling,
hard-hearted?”
The truth is just the opposite. We do have feelings. It’s just that for 8 to 12 hours a day we hide them. In our line of work it doesn't help when the inmates can work on our emotions.
Unless you can read emotions in an officer's eyes, you will think them cold and heartless. And some of us learn to turn off our feelings so well, that even our eyes give very little away.
I had an inmate cut his wrist one evening. I called for medical and returned to his cell to watch him. By then he had cut the other wrist. I asked if he wanted to put his arms out of the bars so I could put a tourniquet on them. He just smiled and said, “No.” While I was waiting for backup (this was a max unit) some inmate yelled out, “Aren't you going to do something for him?” The inmate that had cut himself just looked at me, smiled and said, “No, he's the coldest-blooded SOB in this joint.” Never again did I have an inmate cut himself when I was working Max. I had all kinds of emotions running through me that night, but I showed none of them.
Even female staff learn to not show emotions. The inmates think they can read female staff, that just because they are female they can't hide anything. Boy, are they ever wrong! Female staff learn their lessons too.
The problem becomes that it is hard to show your emotions after you leave work. Even now, years after retirement, I have friends and loved ones that say, “You never show your true feelings.” I joke and cut up, but they are right. I don’t take my mask off often.
I don't have the answer for our problem. Yes, there are people that are supposed to be able to help us, and sometimes they do. Corrections is one of the hardest, most unforgiving jobs out there. Will it ever change? I think not. As long as we work around criminals, we will have to hold our emotions in. You don't want your fellow staff to think you are soft. And you don’t want to be manipulated by the inmates.
And so it goes on and on. May the powers that be help us all.
Take care,
The Old Screw
The Old Screw
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